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Turning Conflict into Connection: A Path to Healing and Understanding

  • Writer: Justin Hurtado-Palomo
    Justin Hurtado-Palomo
  • Feb 17
  • 7 min read


Introduction: Conflict as an Invitation to Grow

Conflict is inevitable. Whether it’s in our marriages, friendships, families, workplaces, or faith communities, disagreements are a part of life. But despite how uncomfortable conflict can be, it is not inherently bad. In fact, it can be an opportunity—an invitation to grow, understand, and deepen our relationships.


In a recent podcast conversation, Rev. Dr. Chloe Rivera and Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado explored the transformative power of conflict, drawing from relationship psychology, faith-based wisdom, and real-life experiences. Their insights illuminate the difference between conflict that breaks relationships and conflict that strengthens them.


"Conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing," said Rev. Dr. Hurtado. "It’s about changing our perspective and seeing conflict as a potential path to understanding each other better and building stronger relationships."

But how do we get there? How do we move from division to connection? Let’s explore what faith, psychology, and lived experience teach us about resolving conflict in ways that heal rather than harm.


The Two Paths of Conflict: Connection vs. Disconnection

Not all conflicts play out the same way. Some disagreements help us understand each other better, while others create distance, resentment, and pain.


Path #1: Conflict That Strengthens Connection

Healthy conflict occurs when both people stay open to dialogue, even when emotions run high. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that when couples or friends approach conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness, they are far more likely to feel heard, understood, and connected afterward.


"Instead of getting defensive, we should try to be curious when we're disagreeing with someone," Rev. Dr. Rivera explained. "One of Gottman’s best tips is to use ‘I’ statements. Instead of blaming, say how you feel. Instead of, ‘You always leave your dishes in the sink,’ try, ‘I feel frustrated when I see dishes in the sink because a clean space matters to me.’"

💡 Signs of healthy conflict:✔ There is active listening and mutual respect.✔ Both people seek to understand before responding.✔ Emotions are expressed without blame.✔ Solutions are created together, not imposed.✔ The conflict leads to deeper trust and clarity.


Path #2: Conflict That Leads to Disconnection

On the other hand, destructive conflict erodes trust and creates emotional distance. Research shows that when conflict includes criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling, relationships suffer.

"One of the worst patterns is the ‘demand-withdraw’ cycle," said Dr. Hurtado. "That’s when one person pushes for change by criticizing, and the other person shuts down. The more one chases, the more the other retreats. It leads to frustration, resentment, and emotional disconnection."

💡 Signs of destructive conflict:❌ Arguments feel like personal attacks rather than problem-solving.❌ One or both people shut down emotionally.❌ There's no effort to listen or compromise.❌ The goal becomes to “win” rather than to understand.❌ Unresolved conflict builds resentment.


So, how do we shift our conflicts from destructive to constructive?


Insights from Faith and Psychology: How to Turn Conflict into Connection

1. The Power of Active Listening

James 1:19 reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”


Psychological research confirms this. Active listening—fully focusing on what the other person is saying, rather than planning your response—can de-escalate tension and create trust.

"Active listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to talk," said Rev. Dr. Rivera. "It’s really trying to understand what the other person is saying—paying attention to their emotions, making eye contact, and asking clarifying questions."

💡 Try this: The next time you're in a disagreement, ask: "Can you help me understand where you're coming from?" This simple shift can diffuse defensiveness and invite connection.


2. Managing Emotional Reactions with Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, regulate, and respond to emotions wisely.

"If I'm already stressed or anxious, it's way harder to stay calm when someone disagrees with me," Dr. Hurtado admitted. "That’s where mindfulness comes in. It helps us slow down and respond instead of react."

💡 Try this: When emotions rise, take a deep breath and count to three before responding. This pauses impulsive reactions and allows you to engage with awareness and intention.


3. Trust: The Foundation of Healthy Conflict

"Trust is like a safety net," Dr. Rivera explained. "If we trust someone, we assume good intent, even when we disagree. But when trust is missing, even small conflicts feel threatening."

There are two types of trust in relationships:

  • Calculus-Based Trust (CBT): Trust based on predictability—you trust someone because of reputation, rewards, or consequences.

  • Identification-Based Trust (IBT): Trust based on deep understanding—you know the other person cares about your well-being.


Rebuilding trust after conflict requires consistent, honest actions over time.

💡 Try this: If trust is low, start with small acts of reliability. Follow through on promises, admit mistakes, and create a safe space for open dialogue.


4. The Role of Forgiveness in Conflict Resolution

"Forgiveness isn’t about pretending everything is fine," said Dr. Hurtado. "It’s about choosing to let go of resentment so it doesn’t poison you."

The Replacement Principle teaches that true reconciliation involves action, not just words. It means rebuilding the relationship through effort, time, and care.


💡 Try this: If you're struggling to forgive, pray or reflect on what releasing resentment might open up in your heart. Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating harm, but it frees you from being held hostage by past pain.

Conclusion: Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth

Conflict is not the enemy. Avoiding conflict doesn’t build connection—engaging in it wisely does.


✔ Will we let conflict divide us, or will we use it to deepen our relationships?✔ Will we react in anger, or will we respond with grace and understanding?✔ Will we fight to be right, or will we work toward healing?


"Even the hardest conflicts can lead to deeper relationships if we choose curiosity over defensiveness, compassion over ego, and connection over winning," Dr. Rivera said.

What small step can you take today to transform conflict into connection? Maybe it’s a text to someone you’ve been avoiding, a heartfelt apology, or a conversation approached with new understanding.


Let’s turn conflict into a bridge, not a barrier.


Sources:



Disclaimer: Educational and Pastoral Guidance Only

The insights, commentary, and guidance provided in this blog, podcast, and related content by Rev. Dr. Justin Hurtado, Ph.D., S.T.L., M.Div., BCC are rooted in pastoral care, ethical and moral theology, and relationship psychology. Dr. Hurtado is not a licensed psychotherapist, psychologist, or medical professional under the laws of California (Santa Clara County) or any U.S. jurisdiction.

This content is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for licensed mental health counseling, therapy, psychological assessment, or medical treatment. Readers and listeners seeking mental health support should consult a licensed professional such as a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC), psychologist (Ph.D. or Psy.D.), or psychiatrist (M.D.) in accordance with California state laws (California Business and Professions Code §2903, §4980.02, and related statutes).

Furthermore, while Dr. Hurtado’s pastoral insights incorporate relationship dynamics, conflict resolution principles, and theological ethics, they do not constitute legal, medical, or psychological advice. Any reliance on the information provided is solely at the reader’s discretion. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek immediate professional assistance or contact resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) or your local emergency services (911).

For professional therapy or counseling services, please refer to licensed mental health providers recognized by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS) or the American Psychological Association (APA).

By engaging with this content, you acknowledge and agree to these terms.


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